Pairing: Junmyeon/Yixing, brieflymentioned! Wufan/Zitao, wasitevenmentioned?! Kyungsoo/Minseok, blinkandyoullmissit past!Chanyeol/Seohyun, barelyeventhere!Krystal/Yixing
Rating: pg-13 (for junmyeon swearing *gasp*)
Summary: Junmyeon watches the First Snow and remembers Zhang Yixing or the non existent love story of kim junmyeon and zhang yixing
Warning(s): lapslock aha, mentioned homophobia (kind of)
A/N: i really can't write omg. what is pacing. what is description. what are question marks.
the sun had rised later than usual.
junmyeon had lay in bed, reading until seven o’clock when he could no longer ignore the awaiting day ahead. school started at nine but god knows that he needed all time he could get to prepare himself.
breakfast was even more so unsatisfying than usual. the fried egg already lacking in flavour, completely dulled by yesterday’s rice. after the bland meal it made it harder to ignore the emptiness in his chest. no longer being able to blame the feeling on hunger, all it did was remind him of last night.
everything he tried to forget came flooding back in. the image of his phone screen burned into the back of his eyes, the tears that refused to stop falling, the brief moment of irrational thought when he lit up that match in attempt to burn away the memory. no, stop thinking about it junmyeon.
he pushed the thoughts away and went onto getting ready. by the time it was ten minutes to nine he was already out the door.
junmyeon strolled into his homeroom with a distant expression on his face. he took his seat next to chanyeol with a mumbled ‘hey’ and received a quick nod in return. he thought back to the walk here, the way his eyes itched to search for the face he couldn’t forget. he told himself not to but gave into the temptation easily as if he was never going to put up a fight at all. he looked around but didn’t find them. relief washed over him, he wasn’t here today.
as if coming back into his body, he tuned into the conversation jongdae was having with chanyeol about why a semexseme relationship wouldn’t work.
“it wouldn’t work though,” jongdae reasoned.
chanyeol hummed in agreement.
“two doms mean hotter sex, just saying” junmyeon proceeded to butt in a conversation that was caused by him discussing ukexuke relationships with them the day before.
“the fight to top makes it all the more aggressive therefore resulting in rough intercourse,”
“but who bottoms?” chanyeol asked, eyes squinted and still not getting at where junmyeon was getting at.
“one of them obviously submits at one point at the thought of getting to top the next time but what i’m saying is it is possible to build relationship of compromise,”
“but i don’t want to compromise,”
“then i sincerely feel sorry for your future partner chanyeol,”
“no wonder why seohyun dumped you,” jongdae snorted, “you’re an insensitive asshole,”
“you little shit,” chanyeol punched jongdae in the arm making the latter laugh even harder.
junmyeon let out a slight chuckle at the pair who immediately stopped squabbling when the teacher snapped at them to keep their hands to themselves. a game of footsies followed only moments after when the teacher turned back to the whiteboard.
the morning went smoothly after that. junmyeon started to relax a bit more in the presence of his friends but still hiding how he was feeling to the ones closest to him. sehun however wasn’t as lucky to get away from an cheesily sappy yet self-deprecating junmyeon during third period history.
he latched himself to the younger expressing how he felt in the vaguest way he thought possible, which left sehun wondering what the hell ‘my kokoro is brokoro’ meant for the next two periods.
it wasn’t until fifth period that his only just brightening mood was dampened. all it took was one look at the person he thought wasn’t there today.
hands shoved into uniform pants pockets and leaning against a fence waiting for someone junmyeon knew wasn’t himself. they glanced up at junmyeon for split second before quickly turning away. but junmyeon hadn’t seen that brief look from the other, he was too busy mentally screaming at himself and his legs to move faster. kris following after him, hot on his heels wondering why junmyeon had suddenly gone from poking fun at his new hair cut to speeding off in the opposite direction.
they find themselves in the courtyard at their usual table.
all of their friends were already there doing their own thing; chanyeol, baekhyun, jongin and sehun in a heated debate about some anime junmyeon didn’t care for, kyungsoo and minseok doing as much pda as they possibly can without getting caught and zitao sitting off to the side with his phone in hand. plopping on the bench next to zitao junmyeon lets out a deep sigh. he locks eyes with kris who stares him down, concern clearly shown on his face.
junmyeon shakes his head and gives a small smile to show he’s fine. kris of course doesn’t buy it but doesn’t press junmyeon for an explanation either and sits down next to him. there is a few seconds of silence between them when zitao finally looks up from his phone, takes one look at kris and scoffs, “what the fuck did you do to your hair?”
“how was school?” junmyeon’s father asks the second he steps foot in the living room.
“fine,” junmyeon replies before heading to his room.
“your mother said dinner is at six,” he hears his father call after him.
“‘kay, got it,” he mumbles before shutting the door.
he throws his bag on the ground and flops onto his bed. he fishes his phone out of his pocket and scrolls through his twitter timeline pushing down the urge to check his facebook in order to not have a repeat of yesterday. he sighs heavily and shoves his phone under his pillow then buries his face into it. when had he become so deeply invested in someone who obviously got sick of chasing after him and moved on? why had he been so selfish? why had he hesitated for an entire year?
after being unable to breathe into his pillow he lifts his head up and catches sight of something on his window. sitting up he moves closer and looks out. it had started snowing. junmyeon smiles to himself anticipating the white blanket he’ll see in due time. as he watches the snow fall he remembers last year’s first snow. it felt like it had only been a week ago when he was sitting in the school gymnasium longing to be outside in the snow but instead he was stuck inside listening to the sound of a basketball being dribbled around and people yelling at others to pass the ball.
quietly surveying the game from his corner his eyes trail towards his current person of interest, zhang yixing. he’d transferred to the school from china sometime along the year- when? junmyeon couldn’t even remember. but all he knew was that one day yixing caught his eye and suddenly he was everywhere. just in a day junmyeon found that he was in a vast majority of junmyeon’s classes, friends with a lot of his friends and had apparently been sitting at the same lunch table long enough to be stared at weirdly when he asked minseok who he was.
zhang yixing was probably the closest thing to his ideal type junmyeon had ever laid his eyes upon and junmyeon had almost impossible standards so that had been saying something. everyday he learnt little things about him that made him like him more and more but never did junmyeon dare to speak to him unless absolutely necessary.
overheard conversations served as fodder to junmyeon’s analytical mind it was just his luck that yixing, luhan and minseok had a passion for lunchtime debates. he quickly learned that yixing was ever so patriotic to his hometown never missing a chance to brag about it always sending luhan into a laughing fit and minseok rolling his eyes in annoyance. the boy and his apparent love for the colour purple was also a fact junmyeon quickly took in and soon junmyeon found himself really liking purple too.
yixing had just kept on getting more and more attractive as time went on from the way his jokes make everyone laugh to how he made everything he did look like it was done with ease.
but not once had he and junmyeon talked outside of doing classwork and even then they barely said a word.
that’s why it had been shocking when junmyeon had looked at yixing from the other side of the gymnasium and as if feeling his gaze on him yixing caught his eyes. a moment passed before junmyeon glanced away, a warm feeling washing over him. he resists to the strong urge to squeal ‘senpai noticed me!’ and instead gives himself a pep talk. be cool, junmyeon. be cool. the dude barely even glanced at you, calm the fuck down.
taking in a deep breath he looked at yixing again only to find the other already staring at him. fuck it, i can’t do this. standing up he walks a slowly and steadily as he could manage to the bathroom where he took his precious time with washing his hands, making faces in the mirror, taking a long hard look at the astounding amount of penises drawn everywhere and using the hand dryer for an unnecessarily long period of time all the while hoping yixing doesn’t come in.
he eventually comes out of hiding after the maximum amount of time he could be in there without seeming weird was reached and he sat back in his corner. he took a quick peek at yixing at the corner of his eye only to once again find yixing already looking at him. he really isn’t subtle is he?
the bell rings then and everyone starts to pack up. junmyeon stands and slowly makes his way to the door. he comes to a stop near it and rests back onto the wall waiting for minseok to change out of his basketball jersey. he idly sweeps the area for minseok when yixing casually walks right into his line of sight and stops only a few feet away. unable to deal with yixing being right there in front of him he turns a different way.
but to junmyeon’s dismay yixing decides to stroll right in front of him again acting nonchalant as if he wasn’t trying to catch junmyeon’s attention. junmyeon scoffs at the thought, as if even has to try when is my attention ever not on him?
exasperated, he turned and faced the wall (the only place yixing couldn’t saunter his way into) not caring how much of an idiot he looked right now.
“junmyeon!” he heard minseok yell finally coming to the rescue. junmyeon spins back around only to have yixing standing behind him even closer than before. panicked, he hurriedly ushers minseok out the door and drags him toward the courtyard. he takes a seat next to minseok lays his arms on the table then buries his face in them and sobs. no one even takes notice of him and if they did, they didn’t say anything about it.
he sat there mentally cursing himself for making it so obvious. you stared at him for too long and now look what happened! stupid, junmyeon, stupid, stupid, stu-
“hey, it’s junmyeon, right?”
junmyeon immediately freezes at the sound of that oh so familiar voice. fuck. he slowly raises his head giving a bright smile and nods, trying to not show the fact that he’s screaming at himself on the inside and that- holy shit, zhang yixing knows my name.
the end of last period found junmyeon running out the gates and back home. he kicks his shoes off at the door dancing his way into the living room where his father sat on the couch reading a thick novel, “how was school?”
“good!” junmyeon yelled bursting into his room. his bag is thrown off and he jumps onto his bed.
yixing noticed me. yixing knows my name. yixing. yixing. yixing. YIXING.
he lays back spread out onto his bed and just smiles as he stares at the ceiling. he recalls the way yixing said his name, replaying it over and over again. he recalls the way yixing looked at him today, etching it into his mind. an hour later he sits up and watches the snow fall with a promise to always remember this day.
months pass by as the workload piles on and the weeks are filled with stolen glances across a room. junmyeon doesn’t even feel like that much time has passed by but he’s always been the type to not talk to someone for several months but not a day goes by that they’re not on his mind. junmyeon was having a pretty decent day, he’d gotten an award for good behaviour and kris had given him a piece of cake for no reason at all. lunch had been fairly fine.
he had happily participated in a discussion about the universe and life-forms out of earth backgrounding his opinion in order to start sprouting facts about the solar system and extrasolar planets. all the while stealing glimpses of yixing whacking luhan with a piece of lavender he had acquired from minseok. it was when lunch had ended that had caused the plummet in junmyeon’s good mood.
“junmyeon!” he heard yixing call out to him once he stood up.
he turned towards him and saw that yixing was holding the lavender out to him. wow, that is one beaten up flower.
he hesitantly takes the flower and mummers, “...thank you?”
before its snatched from his hand by yixing who mumbles something junmyeon couldn’t even understand. slightly hurt, but mostly confused junmyeon shrugs it off and walks off with zitao. the younger has questioning eyes but immediately junmyeon starts to babble about assignments acting as if nothing had happened.
for the rest of the day he just feel lost and stupid for over thinking something that meant nothing. but the puzzled thoughts follow him home and when his father asks how school was all he receives is an upset grunt in reply.
that night, junmyeon is studying for the math test scheduled at the end of the week even though he had basically memorised all the formulas beforehand. his thoughts ended up drifting off to the boy with warm brown eyes and deep dimples.
the buzzing of his phone snapped him out of his day dream. he quickly picked it up not bothering to look at the caller id knowing it could only be one person.
“hey tao, what’s up?”
“...j-junmyeon,” he heard tao sob. shit, was he crying?
“tao, hey, it’s okay,” junmyeon said softly, “tell me what happened,”
“shh, it’s okay tao. don’t cry, it’s okay. i’m here, i’m listening,”
“s-someone talked shit about me to k-kris because they fucking know i like him, they called me,” tao let out a strangled sob, “t-they called me a-a fag,”
what. junmyeon clenched his fists as he flared up in anger, “who?”
“zitao, who fucking said that about you?”
“no one important!” tao cried out.
“what do you mean no one important? they made you cry, tao. you wouldn’t give a shit if it wasn’t someone important!,”
tao didn’t answer only sobbing more.
junmyeon immediately calmed himself. don’t be irrational, junmyeon. don’t yell at a crying person.
“tao, it’s okay,” junmyeon sighs, “i’m sorry for yelling. you’re right, whoever said that is a douchebag and a no one. i’m okay though
as long as you know that insult is a fucked up derogatory word and that you aren’t one,”
“i-i k-know, i-i just. you k-know what? fuck it.”
“i’m going to ask kris out,”
junmyeon almost fell out of his chair, “dude, good luck, go for it!”
“thanks jun, i owe you one. bye.”
“...bye.” junmyeon mumbles as he hears tao hang up.
what fuck just happened?
later that night when he’s scrolling through his facebook news feed he sees ‘huang zitao is married to kris wu’. chuckling to himself, he clicks like.
it’s the middle of autumn when junmyeon finds out that yixing’s birthday was coming up soon. october 7th being a date he forced himself to remember and mark on his calendar as ‘senpai’s special day’. he all but mentally prepared himself to say his verbal birthday wish on the day (perfect excuse to talk to the guy) before he came to the sad realisation that it was on the weekend.
11:58pm on october 6th junmyeon sat phone in hand counting down the minutes to yixing’s birthday. as soon as it hit 12 he opens the chat box but then stops himself short. hm, we’re not really that close, that might be too personal.
going to yixing’s wall he goes to type his birthday message but once again stops. it’s fucking midnight, none of his close friends have even wished him happy birthday yet, why are you?
junmyeon groans, but i want to be first.
exiting yixing’s page he goes to his own wall and writes a status wishing yixing a happy birthday with lots of heart and cute emoticons. in japanese. and calling him senpai instead.
he throws his phone to the side then promptly falls asleep.
when he wakes it’s almost noon and the sun is shining brightly through his window. drowsily reaching for his phone he checks his notifications the very first one being ‘celebrate with yixing today. write a birthday wish on his timeline.’
well, as fate would have it. out of the three facebook friends with birthdays today it just had to choose zhang yixing.
figuring he might as well, he clicked the notification and opened up yixing’s wall. he wrote a simple ‘happy birthday’, posted it then exited the app and shoved his phone under his pillow. he ran out of his bedroom and laid himself on the unoccupied couch.
hours passed and he eventually gave into the itching need to check his phone. flicking off the tv and cutting mr. krabs off mid sentence. he made his way into his room and dug back under the pillow to pull his phone out. first notification: ‘yixing zhang liked your post’
junmyeon kept a stoic expression but on the inside he was squealing on the inside ‘yixing noticed me! yixing liked my birthday wish!’ of course though he ignored the fact that yixing had liked everyone’s birthday posts and had even replied to some of people. junmyeon not being one of those people.
junmyeon was walking out of his chemistry class with kris when he spots yixing pacing near a fence. he tells himself to keep calm, junmyeon. just walk by like he’s not even there. but then yixing turns around. and yixing meets his gaze. and yixing stares him down with such intensity junmyeon goes weak in the knees. he pulls his eyes away. i’m not calm, i’m not calm, how do you do thing with the calm?!
“junmyeon?” kris asks pulling junmyeon out of his internal panic, “you okay?”
“yes! yes, i am quite dandy, actually!” junmyeon yells through clenched teeth.
kris patted him on the back, “if you say so.”
junmyeon just barely manages to walk passed yixing in a dazed manner as kris wonders aloud about how to tell zitao that he’s planning to get a haircut.
that afternoon junmyeon sat spinning on his wheelie chair. he chewed his fingernail as he replayed yixing’s gaze several times. the visual memory was already covered in haze and the only thing clear was the feeling he got from it. it was a warmth that washed over him like a wave and soaked him from head to toe. it had filled him with an urge to run up to yixing and straight into his arms. to breathe in his favourite cologne. to feel his warmth.
from the eyes of a lonely cold junmyeon yixing always seemed warm. even in the winter, wearing the bare minimum of the uniform just as he does in the summer. junmyeon always had to double layer sweaters in order to feel comfortable, always longing for warmth.
junmyeon pulls away from the window with a sad smile. he flops back onto his bed letting out a whine before rolling over so his head hung off the edge. slowly his eyes focused on his cream carpet, spotting the scorch marks from last night. stupid, junmyeon. how could you act so irrationally? the burnt carpet was like a constant reminder of his idiocy but what had made it worse was reason he had acted out in the first place.
the memories came in flashes; coming home,
pulling out his phone,
scrolling through his facebook newsfeed,
yixing zhang is in a relationship with krystal jung,
the soft thud of his phone landing on the other side of the bed,
seeing the confession note he had written the night before sitting on his desk,
the box of matches,
ripping the letter,
the sudden burst of flames as he lit a piece,
the burning piece flying onto the floor,
picking up the ashes.
stupid, junmyeon, you’re so fucking stupid.
a/n: my headcanon junmyeon does not curse at all what have i done.